Lorne the Super Jew

Let the record show that I did not write this. It's just a fun little story written by another...let's call him "Renty" for now. Anyway, I noticed how sad and empty my blog has been looking lately, so I thought I'd drop by and share this. Be warned that there are a few in-jokes stashed in there so if you don't "get" something, it's not you. Enjoy!

Part I

Lorne the Super Jew was big.
He was fast.
He could leap tall buildings in a single bound and have motzah ball soup ready on the way back down.

Lorne the Super Jew was loved and revered by all the people of Toronto, and rightfully so, for Lorne the Super Jew was a kind man.
A virtuous man.
And most importantly, a sexy man.

In fact, Lorne the Super Jew was wanted by every hot female in Ontario. He soon the attentions of a Miss Cheesecake, who proceeded to court him and she became his queen soon after, leaving Toronto in a state of prosperity and bliss.

This is when the sidekick dead-ced-dead comes in. Mr. DCD was a kind man.
A scrupulous man.
He was also an even sexier man (though that may be my own bias).

How in the world could Lorne the Super Jew compete?

But Lorne the Super Jew soon discovered that DCD was not to be feared.

Instead, he busied himself acquiring an even more vast fortune, buying out every bank in Canada and the world over (and yes, even Serbia) before owning the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

With great power, comes great responsibility (and no, I am not plagiarising).

And it was DCD’s suggestion to give the Oscar this year to Natalie Portman for her wonderful performance in Black Swan (despite not having seen the film himself).

And so Lorne agreed, and it was done, and every Portman fanboy around the world creamed himself to a sticky death.

Part II

Lorne the Super Jew was sweet.
Lorne the Super Jew was awesome.
Lorne the Super Jew was the stuff of legend.

It was rumoured that he could run around the world in three minutes and seduce even the most bitter woman in half that time (and yes, even convert her).

It was also rumoured that he was responsible for the disappearance of Mel Gibson. This angered McFlyin, who believed every word of said rumour, and who had never heard of Mad Max, only What Women Want.

An inquiry was sent forth and it was ruled that Mr. Gibson must have hidden himself away where he could go ahead with his drunk tirades where not even the crows could hear him.

It was decided that not only would a search of the world not be worth it, it would also be more expensive, much like the pointless search for Osama bin Laden.

Part III

Lorne the Super Jew was intelligent.
Lorne the Super Jew was clever!
Lorne the Super Jew was a PATRIOT!

When it came time to defend his country against the wicked Gibson-ites (some very disturbing people not really worth a description here), he led them away by promising them gold and jewels...without detailing the amount of karats first.

And that is where our story ends, ladies and gentlemen.

I could go on and on and on about the glorious Lorne the Super Jew, but if there’s one thing that Lorne the Super Jew is known for...it is his great humility.

THE END